Interests:I like everything. especially things like dressing goth and playing dodgeball. Expertise:Nothing. Occupation:Student and bookelelr Industry:Research and bookselling
I don't really know how to start talking about things like this. Just know when I am talking about falling short of an "ideal" I am not talking about sin. In fact that is the last thing I am talking about. I think falling short of some ideal is the closest we come to God. There is no Platonic Ideal.
So one of the things that I feel determines much about our life is realizing an idealistic heterosexual future. Trevecca was known as the Marriage Mill on the Hill and Christianity is rife with loaded talk of getting married and having children; leading a life thereafter in the simple joy of God and family, but this is illusionary. Recently, with the situation in California, many have been up in arms for the protection of what is "normal" or "natural." As an aside, the natural argument is irrelevant. For me to list the animals that show homosexual activities is dumb because I don't think any natural argument can stand because just because an animal does it doesn't make it okay. But I think what I have been thinking about more and more is the illusion of the normal. The illusion of predefined and strictly enforced roles. Recently my friend was talking to me about his marriage and his struggles with pornography and his inability to be the "normal" husband he is supposed to be. But I think that this is just another example of how a "normal" life, or a "normal" relationship is unattainable. Even people that are heterosexual fall short, and I think that that is the area where queerness is realized. I'm sure people on both sides might be offended that I open this to all people, but I think that this void between the honest truth and the ideal is best described as that way. Anyone bucking the societal trend is totally queer in my book. But I think that queerness is powerful because it connects us to to earthy beauty and ugliness of our humanness. To see each other in light of our own shortcomings and to be a little more facade-free is territory for connection with the divine.
My mom always thought that we had the "perfect family." When I told her I was gay, she said that it collapsed the roof on her house. Now, I don't know what kind of metaphor she was mixing, but there is an area here for growth. The space between what she thought she had and what really was was open. There was more room there to grow, but instead she let it collapse. It will be two full years since I told her this fall, but she has refused to see the queerness in her own life. So the space between what was imagined and what is is frightening. It doesn't diminish with ignoring it. It gapes. I simply put a picture of me and my boyfriend, with whom I am beginning the 7th month of an incredible adventure, on facebook and she called yesterday crying, saying, "if you want to kill me you are doing a good job," and then she hung up the phone. The chance to celebrate with me was squandered. The opportunity to think that God could be bigger than she imagined was ignored. The opportunity to see that none of us measures up to what we impose on ourselves was also tossed away. Fear of the unknown was given power. My mother and I, the most powerful woman I know, could have looked at the shortness of life, and been happy at my ability to glean joy from it.
The perfect family all of you imagine does not exist. Your family is not what is expected. The family you look up to is not perfect. Your expectations for yourself cannot be fully realized. You are queer. But you are not alone. Everyone is.
So, I am thinking about starting up a blog again. I know, I know. It's been a long time. I just think that it might be good for sifting through things I am tossing around in the ol' brain. Also, I think it will be a good opportunity to discuss some of the questions you guys might have and have some discussions. I get asked a lot of questions that surprise me, so I wouldn't mind airing them.
I don't know where to start with a lot of this. I could talk about religion, or school, or gayness. All of these come around to the same type of issues. Identity, which I think everyone deals with to a great extent. Living up to the impossible pressures of the heteronormative and its religious roots. I just don't know. I have a lot to learn, and nothing but questions. I gave up finding a THE answer a long time back, so maybe i will only have questions. Anyway, i'm interested in dialog. And I'm interested in being a part of people's lives and whatnot.
Last night, I was talking with a friend on the phone who said that "25 has been a big year for him, really shaping who he is." I laughed and said that every year is important because you can't leap from 24 to 26. We are constantly changing.
I recently received an e-mail from someone who said, "Pride Dan. It will be destroy you." Now, all scoffing at poor grammar aside, I had to stop and think, "does this person who has not interacted with me know anything about my personage." I guess just the fact that I thought that showed that I wasn't TOO proud. But it made me realize how long it has been since I actually talked about myself and what is going on with me.
I've made friends here in Pullman. I love them dearly. As I grew up and left Nashville, they have helped me realize how things do not stay the same, but that is not a bad thing. Escaping the comforts of Nashville has helped me grow into a different person. Nashville helped me become an adult, but Pullman has helped me become a human. I've been in love. I've trusted too much. I've had my heart broken. I've become friends with people I never thought I'd be friends with. And most importantly, I've questioned my faith.
At Trevecca, I had already begun to question my certitude with Christianity. Mohammad was definitely certain of his visions. As have been many cult leaders. It made me wonder whether or not we can be so certain of our vision. Through SLAM and recovery, I have questioned my faith and never felt dissatisfied with my answers. I dropped the foolish dogmas of hell long ago. And there are times where I have wondered what the point of Christianity is at all. Reading The Bros. Karamazov, I found solace in the fact that someone had dealt with my questions already. I wasn't alone in my fears. The goodness of faith was hollowed out for a lowest common denominator. The humility of the Christ was exchanged for power and miracles. When the Grand Inquisitor told the Christ to prepare to die again, all He offered back was a kiss. That is all I want to offer as well, I've learned. So many people are absolutely certain of their faith. They know. There is no doubt in their mind what God has to say about birth control or abortion or Muslims or homosexuals. They know. Well, the fact is I don't know. Or at least, the only thing I know is that in the face of sycophantic hatred, I can respond without violence. Oh, I can choose to not be these people's friends, but I don't wish them death. the Westboro Baptist Church disgusts me, but I don't wish them death (and to me, hell is a stick to motivate the lowest common denominator). Their pride is their downfall, and my only hope is that they will be able to see it was all worthless. So in the end, I do not necessarily believe in heaven, hell, God manipulate points of my life or fatwas. But I do believe that loving and caring, looking out for the downtrodden, helping the poor and fighting systems that disenfranchise is the business of the risen Christ, through whom I connect with being itself and am a part of the world as a whole. And it is the very thing that leads you to getting killed. But for now, and for always, I will remain myself, for that is all I can be. And you can only be yourselves. There is nothing to you that does not get filtered through this beautiful Body and Brain that helps you make sense of the world. And in the end, recognizing the shortfalls of your faith and your uncertainty is the best way to stave pride and become a member of Creation.
